How could you let this happen?

My spiral started a few days ago when my brother called for my birthday. His kids sang the birthday song as he did school drop off. It was sweet. They guessed that I had turned 25…so close. Then the conversation turned…

-I was thinking about you guys the other day, my brother says.

-Oh yeah.

-Yeah, I was just sitting around wondering…like…is there any part of you that’s just like…maybe this isn’t such a good idea?

-…huh…well…actually…

The “this” he’s referring to is us buying a place up to Birch Harbor, Maine. Population of 123 people (soon to be 129). A town that has more shellfish wardens than police officers. It’s December. I’m not a meteorologist or anything but I’m pretty sure it’s cold up there. Colder than Atlanta. I think it might even snow. I’ve never had children in cold weather. Considering the fact that Cormac only wears shorts and Ruth and Marnie refused to put on jackets this morning, we could be facing some challenges. We’re moving in 2 days. We are already packed. We’ll be there in less than a week. I kept telling Sarah: it’s weird…you know…we’re packing and getting stuff ready to go…getting all this work done…finding renters here in Atlanta for our place…we closed on the house up in Maine…we bought snow pants…everything is set and ready to go…but it just hasn’t hit me yet.

Well now it’s hitting me. It’s hitting me really hard as I’m having this conversation with my brother. It’s all sinking in. The anxiety is swirling inside of me. I’m spinning. Spinning out of control. Not a good idea? I hadn’t thought of that. Come to think of it, why the hell are we doing this? What good will this bring? Bored? Yes. Didn’t we just do a massive roadtrip to quell this boredom? Yes. Did we spend almost all of our money doing this? Yes. Are we running out of money? Is this irresponsible? This is irresponsible. Our kids…we’re going to mess them up…too much moving…no stability…they’ll develop anxiety…they’ll never be able to settle…no, worse…agoraphobia…they won’t be able to leave the house…they’ll be teenagers and still coming into our bed at night…the opioid crisis…how did that worry get into my psyche…I don’t have to worry about that yet…but I guess up there it’s probably worse…there was a meth manufacturing disclosure in the house contract…damnit…they’ll become meth addicts…it can happen to anyone…

-I guess I hadn’t really thought of it much, I replied to my brother, as I thought about it violently.

-Oh, ha. Well I’m sure it’ll be great. I was just thinking about that.

-Uh…yeah…I’m sure…yeah…it’ll be…great…I gotta go…later dude!

Thank you for the best birthday present ever little bro! There’s nothing like a nice, rich anxiety cake with some panic attack icing.

Did I cause all this? Yes, yes. It was me. Me and my stupid dreams. Ideas; a dime a dozen. A dime a double dozen. One out of a million of them are any good. That’s it. What kind of investment is this? So stupid. Buy a place on the other side of the country. We’ll make a campground. A campground outside of Acadia. My thoughts were clouded by ideals:

It’ll be great for the kids. We can Airbnb the place when we’re not there. Run the campground when we’re there in June and July. It’s hard to have it open earlier due to the blackflies and rain but you know what…it works out perfectly with our schedules. Haha. Yes. We’re so smart and we’re going to make this work. We can head up this winter to do the renovations on the house. If it doesn’t work out we’ll just flip it. We got a good deal. Yes. We’ll rent out the camper. Convert the barn into a glamping cabin. So freaking smart! We are so good at living outside the realms of conformity. So independent. Yes there are challenges but look at us. We’re doing it. What an experience for the kids. A campground…a rental property…that can only be open for a few months a year due to a post-apocalyptic type environment. Oh boy. The worries pile on…

What will I do for money? I don’t think they are hiring product managers at the Lobster Pound. They are not looking for people with digital analytics backgrounds. My experience is becoming less relevant by the second. My physical attributes are limited. We will not be accepted. The kids will be outcasts. The new weird parents with their four kids and hobbled dog. Their weird little commune. Hippies. How did I not think of all these terrible things before? I was blind. Blind. Double blind. Am I in some type of test? An experiment. I did not see these things. We won’t be able to resell the house. It’s almost in Canada.

I used to ridicule my parents for buying a place up there. It’s a 21 hour drive from Georgia, I’d say. We can’t come up there every year. I would ask them: could you have picked a place any further? I’ve said that 100 times or more: You couple of idiots…could you have picked a place any further? God you guys make bad decisions. Apparently we have now answered that rhetorical, sarcastic question. The answer is: YES. You can pick a place that is further away. We picked a place that is further away. Further north than 21 hours. 21.5 hours away exactly. Closer to Canada. How did I let this happen? Did I not see?

Wait. Hold on a second. I can’t take the blame for all of this. No. Now I see. This isn’t my particular strength. I set the goals. I have the ideas. But I don’t see all the obstacles. That’s not my job. It’s not my fault. That’s not in my job description. That’s Sarah’s job. She’s in charge of the details. The school transfers. The health insurance. The packing. The rentals. The execution…or lack thereof…she’s the filter. I need to investigate to determine the origins of this miscalculation:

-How could you let this happen?

-Huh?

-This whole thing…going to Maine…this is going to be a disaster…you hate the cold…the kids won’t wear jackets or pants…

-It’ll be fine.

-But what do we do about money?

-It’ll be fine.

-I could have just gotten a job.

-Why didn’t you?

-Cause you said we’d be fine.

-Sounds like a personal problem…why are you worried about this now?

-Cause now it’s starting to feel real.

-2 days before we move?

-It didn’t feel real before.

-You should have probably thought about this before we bought the house.

-Didn’t we do a pros and cons list together. How did we miss all this stuff?

-We didn’t miss anything. It’s fine. Cormac is going to get to go to preschool…in a yurt…

-It’s going to be cold…

-…they’ll teach him to forage for food…

-…out in the cold…

-…someone else will be responsible for keeping him warm.

-How could you let this happen to us? You’re supposed to shut me down when I have bad ideas.

-It’s a good idea.

The phone rings. It’s my mom:

-Hey.

-Which route did you say you were going to take?

-We have to go someplace in central Pennsylvania to drop off this trailer.

-Hmm. Does it go through Philadelphia?

-What?

-Where are you dropping the trailer off.

-I don’t know. I have to look it up. It’s somewhere in the middle.

-There’s a big snowstorm coming through…

My anxiety bucket is full. I briefly erupt:

-What do you want me to do mom? I know there’s a storm. I’m uncomfortable about it. There’s going to be a foot of snow all across the northeast. I can’t avoid it. There will be a foot in Philly. There will be a foot in Pittsburg. I‘m dropping the trailer off somewhere between those two places so I assume I will have to go through the remnants of the storm. What do you want me to do?

-If you want, I can cover the cost of the trailer…

This is a slight. I take this like a slight. U-haul reached out to me about towing a trailer with someone else’s stuff for a cost savings of $350 (a 30% reduction on our total moving costs). I gladly accepted because I am me. We are leaving in 2 days with a plan and she’s trying to fuck with our plan. I’m unraveling…

-Cover the cost of the trailer? That’s not the point.

I try to calm myself because…because…I don’t know why.

-We’re all good. Don’t worry about it. We’re all good. I’ll talk to you later.

-Okay. I’m just trying to help.

-Yes. Thanks. Talk to you later.

WWHHYYYYY?????? THIS IS NOT WHAT I NEED RIGHT NOW!!!!

Sarah looks at me. She’s confident. She’s using telepathy to calm me down: It’s going to be okay. I’ve got this. You just relish in your midlife crisis and let’s turn this anxious state back into one of those manias that we all love. Go write a blog post. Twiddle on your guitar. Everything will be alright. The kids will be alright. They’ll have fun. And they’ll be in school! The drive will be alright. We’ll take our time. The house will be alright. We’ll fix it up and try to make some money off it. Not a ton. But enough. And we’ll be alright because for the first time in a long time Cormac will be in preschool. Not just a couple days a week like before but five days a week. Five days. 8am to 4:30pm if we want. And it’s not just any preschool. It’s a wild and free hippie preschool. They will keep him outside. And when he is inside, he’ll be in a yurt which doesn’t fully count as inside anyway. They’ll teach him to forage for his own food. Maybe he’ll slaughter a chicken. Probably not but we can dream. Puppetry classes. They will make him do chores. There’s something called Singapore Math, which must be different from regular universal Math. They have time set aside for face washing which is something we definitely don’t do enough of. He will mill grain. Is this calming you down? Don’t you see?

-You need to relax. Everything will be fine.

-Yeah you’re right.

I love you Sarah!

Chris

PS. If you like camping, want to explore Acadia National Park and/or Downeast Maine, munch on lobsters and can tolerate a little Gleasoning action come visit us. We’ll be up and running Spring 2021. I believe spring in Maine is sometime after May but if you like unpredictable weather before that is also fine. We’re wide open.