Search Party

I’ve been on a blogging and social media hiatus for a few months now. I didn’t know why but I think I’m starting to figure it out. I’ll explain but first I need to come clean on a few things…

One: blogging is inherently self-indulgent. It requires certain…assumptions. One of these assumptions is that enough people care about me or my family’s life that the most efficient way to communicate what’s going on with us is to write it down, post it on the internet then broadcast it via social medias, text or email. I couldn’t possibly take the time to tell the people that I love how things are going…how could I? There are just soooo many people that I love, and more importantly, that love me. That’s all I’d end up doing. It’s inefficient. And then I wouldn’t have the time required to both live my life and write / share about it. Jeez. The act of blogging is, in many ways, an act of narcissism. I’m going to go ahead and put this out there as if it weren’t already obvious. I tell people things like “I blog cause I like to write” or “it’s a good outlet” or “it’s just sort of fun to do” and all of those things are true. But the real truth is that I just really love myself so much that the self-love actually overflows and I feel the need to share it with the world. So there you go. I said it. Feels good. Me. Me. Me. While we’re at it…

Two: Nothing feels better than when I run into an old friend in person or talk to a family member on the phone and they say things like “Oh I read your blog. It’s so funny.” This is the best. So if you read the blog and we talk you should definitely mention it to me because it makes me feel so good. Being funny is something that I care deeply about and I try desperately to get attention through humor. So getting this validation is critical to my sense of being. But do you know what makes me feel even better than little words of encouragement? No? It’s the stats. When I post a blog, I go back to Medium every hour or so to check on my stats. I don’t know exactly what to expect but my behaviors and feelings go a little something like this…

• I post a blog then check the stats after 15 minutes and see that only 10 people have read it. I feel kind of bad. Then I remind myself that it’s probably the social media algorithms holding me back.
• Then I check again in an hour and see 20 new people have read it and that feels good.
• Then an hour later not much has happened. I start to share the link with family and friends. More stats. More stats. Yes. Indulge me. Yes!!!
• I check it every day with a decreasing frequency over time as the high of the results wear off and the crescendo of attention declines to nothing.
• Then I’m sad again and start thinking of the next blog post.

What am I doing? Why don’t I feel appreciation for those initial 10 people that took time out of their day to see what’s going on in mine? For some reason I get a social boner when I pass 75 views on the article as if that’s some grand milestone. Is this what my closest friends and family have become to me? Just individual statistics? Combined, you all give me a miniscule hit of dopamine. Probably the amount of a nicotine buzz. This is not a true reflection of my feelings towards those that I love, but it is the reality of how this form of communication creates a 1-way conversation that’s all about ME.

I took Ruth and Greta into Acadia National Park (the Schoodic Loop section) the other day. We spent a couple hours together in the cold beautiful grey afternoon. They love climbing and running across the glacial rocks. The environment here is violent. The wind howls. The waves crash in a way that makes you keep your children far from the water’s edge. Snow swallows the landscape. Tides move in and out so quickly that sheets of ice form and then get pushed up onto the shore like massive shards of glass. Watching the girls climb and run recklessly through the violent environment is terrifying and terrific.

As I watched them, I thought for a second about posting one of the pictures that I took on instagram. It’s so amazing to see them enjoying themselves. Especially after we’ve been cooped up inside all winter, fighting with each other. Siblings fighting siblings. Kids fighting parents. Parents fighting kids. Picking at each other’s bad habits and annoying behaviors. Questioning new behaviors. Feeling genuine frustration and anger towards one another. Feeling like you’re sick of trying to make a shitty situation okay for yourself and your family. I was happy at this moment, watching the kids play on rocks. I’m happy now. I should capture this and share it. On social media for others. Then I thought twice. Shouldn’t I just enjoy the moment? If I stop enjoying the moment to use my phone, am I really still enjoying it or am I trying to enjoy something else? How would other people react to it? Would they like it? Depends on how they are feeling at the time, I guess. People are stuck at home. I don’t feel stuck right now. Would I make someone else think that my life looks unrealistically positive? Would I cause happiness by posting or would I cause sadness?

We went home and I mentioned this rabbit hole of despairing thought to Sarah. We both had just watched A Glitch in the Matrix, a documentary about the possibility of us living in some Matrix-like simulation. It didn’t take us long to agree that we already live in a simulation. The simulation that we live in isn’t as traditionally scary as the one depicted in the dystopian books / movies but it’s probably just as depressing, if not more. The early 2000s will go down as the time when we crossed a threshold of spending more waking hours in front of a screen of some sort than we do…well…not in front of a screen. My physical body might not exist in a strange liquidos pod somewhere dark with machines flying around making sure I don’t wake up at some point only to flush out into the sewers of a polluted world, but there are machines watching most of my day to day behaviors. These machines are similarly trying and succeeding in predicting and crafting my next moves. How much time do I think about contributing to Instagram, Facebook, Linkedin, this Blog, etc? How much time do I look at the contribution of others? Were these behaviors the result of an illusion of free will? Were they the result of expectations of future reactions? Likes, hearts, comments (oh comments are the fucking best)? Are the behaviors me or who I want others to think I am? Who am I? Why am I still trying to figure that out? Aren’t I a little old to still wonder these things? Did I miss my philosophical opportunities in youth while pursuing something else? Does it matter?

We settled on a few things.

1. The simulation is real. We’ve been building it and it’s unlikely that we’ll stop.
2. The more we interact, the more the simulation is fed.
3. The simulation only cares about feeding itself. It doesn’t care how it’s fed but it wants our time and attention. It consumes our anger, fear, happiness, jealousy. All of it…unbiased.
4. We have some control over the simulation. Our control is our contribution to and our consumption of the simulation.

Sarah and I just finished binge watching the show Search Party. It’s a show that depicts a bunch of modern twenty-somethings as they navigate through the complexity of what’s now considered early adulthood. If you’re looking for a break from period pieces or hour long dramas I highly recommend this show. It’s funny. It’s philosophical. It’s magnificent.

The show follows four seemingly normal self-obsessed friends as they search for, in order of priority, themselves then a missing “friend”, who turns out to be more self-obsessed than the four searchers combined! It’s an egotism extravaganza. An autopsy of acquisitiveness. It’s a show written about the ME generation, by Gen Xers responsible for classics like The State and Wet Hot American Summer. If Seinfeld was the Boomer’s take on the nihilistic self and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia was the Slacker Generation’s collective look back at their own reflection in a pint glass then Search Party is the Millennial’s investigation into the world as their mirror.

And since I’ve never really grown out of my own “twenty-something trying to find himself” stage, this show really spoke to me. It helped me fully realize my complete and utter infatuation with yours truly. So now that I can admit to you my narcissistic motivations behind writing this blog, I feel liberated to share again and provide a moderate contribution to the simulation.

All of the Gleasons are healthy and relatively happy. We’ve added to the pack. Meet Butterbean and Popeye…

We’ve also discovered so many new things…like how to fix your seemingly broken upstairs radiators by leveraging the obviously provided thermostat. Or like the fact that it’s important to not run out of propane during the winter. Or like how a propane fill gage isn’t just “not working” when it’s reading low. Or how it feels when you accidentally empty your own well into your basement. Or like realizing that shoveling snow isn’t something you can actually accomplish once the snow sits and hardens into ice. Or like how to stop pronouncing the R sound at the end of a syllable while continuing to pronounce the R sound at the beginning of a syllable. The list really goes on and on…

Thankfully the world is around to humble you once you start feeling like you’re pretty great. So if you’ve made it to this point just know that you’re pumping me right back up because my reads / views ratio is going to be super high thanks to you, you adorable statistic. When I get 70% I get a double dose of dopamine. It’s a real rush, so thank you!!!

I love you guys! And I’ve been trying to call more people to talk on the phone lately. Please call me too if you’re bored and want to catch up! (It’s Sarah’s number because we’re still sharing)

Chris